GO GIRL: A Product Review
My days of penis envy are over. As of this week I can, if I so choose, pee standing up.
My dear friend, Rachel, showed up at the house unannounced this past Wednesday while I was fixing dinner. She hugged my neck before I had a chance to put down my spatula, and she gave me my “Christmas present.”
“Is this late for last year, or early for this year?” I asked.
“It’s late! I never got you anything last year, don’t you remember?” I did not remember.
Rachel, like most of my friends, gives wonderful presents. Vintage McDonald’s drinking glasses featuring such advertizing icons as “Mayor McCheese” and “Capt. Crook.” Novelty t-shirts with catchy slogans like Praise Cheeses!
This year’s (i.e. last year’s) gift, quite worth the 8-month wait, is a female urination device (or FUD, as they are known) called the GO GIRL. “Don’t take life sitting down!” Sarah Dillon, the inventor of this product, urges on the packaging of her patent-pending product. Don’t take life sitting down! Don’t worry, Ms. Dillon; I don’t intend to.
“Open it!” Rachel said. “I want to see what it looks like.”
I inspected the GO GIRL tube closely before I opened it. Apparently it is good for camping, boating, travel, music festivals, and sports. I seldom take part in any of these activities and have, in fact, never been camping in my life. (I tried to camp out in my tree-house once, but my dad crept outside, picked me up, and carried me back in to the house once I had fallen asleep. I woke in soft, comfortable, climate-controlled anger and called him out for breaking his promise. But I digress. Back to the product.)
The GO GIRL comes packaged in a tube. The tube is suppose to contain the actual product, which is a collared, lavender funnel made from medical-grade silicone, as well as a plastic bag for storage. My tube contained both, plus a kleenex with a small rip in it, which aroused in me a suspicion that I am the second owner of this FUD – that someone used it and then returned it to the store where Rachel had been shopping the afternoon that inspiration struck.
I thanked Rachel for my amazing gift. I promised to try it soon and, true to my word, I have. When someone gives me a nice bottle of wine, I remove the cork and pour myself a glass. When a patient brings me tomatoes, I make salsa with them and mention how delicious the salsa had been during our next therapy session. When Todd buys me a book, I read it and tell him how much I enjoyed the story. Naturally if someone is thoughtful enough to bring me a up-turned collapsible funnel, I am going to urinate in it and let her know, as the old joke goes, that “everything came out okay.” First, however, I did my research.
I found a wonderful youtube video about the GO GIRL. The video is over 9 minutes long and features a delightful hippie named Kelly who shares with her viewership the pros of the GO GIRL as well as some suggestions to the manufacturer regarding ways they can improve their product. I have included the link if you’re so inclined.
I fell in love with Kelly as I watched this video. I instantly wanted to be her friend. Kelly is the real deal. She is not some idiot like me who keeps products like this around to be funny but is never more than 300 yards from an indoor toilet. She is an earth mother with a legitimate need to urinate standing up to avoid getting bit by a rattlesnake on a long hike or freezing to death while undressing from the waist down just to take care of business when the temperature plummets in the night on a peace-loving camping trip.
Kelly is frustrated that some women find the GO GIRL disgusting. She points out that there is nothing inherently gross about a spouted plastic cup. Just to prove her point, she gives the product a quick lick with her tongue and, later in the video, places it over her face and pretends to be an elephant. (I am in agreement with Kelly that the GO GIRL is not, in and of itself, a nasty item, but I will draw the line at putting it near my mouth or using it for a mask.)
I tried the GO GIRL in an undisclosed location and am pleased to report that it worked as promised. Dry thighs. The key is getting the opening of the GO GIRL to form a tight seal to your undercarriage. I don’t know that I will use it hiking. Or ever again. It is nice to have options, though. Assuming Alexa doesn’t want the GO GIRL for some of her outdoor foolishness, I will likely put this product in the glove box of my car for an inconceivable emergency, just as my mother before me kept a tupperware bowl with tight-fitting lid in her trunk.
Thank you, Rachel. Merry Christmas to all!