Daytime Television: A Summary
So I got to watch daytime television today. In fact, I’m watching it as I blog! I have always wanted to know what I was missing while at work, and now I know! For those of you who work five days a week, here is a brief run down of what the networks air mid-day (and note, I watched all of this within 20 minutes).
I have not seen this program since the 90s and am amazed that it is still on television. Maybe they are just playing reruns. I don’t know. Anyway, three observations:
1) The theme song sounds like the yucky, grindy kind of stuff sociopaths are listening to on Law and Order: SUV when they go down into their basements to check their victim’s wrist restraints.
2) The story this guest is telling about her boyfriend situation is the exact kind of story we all try to avoid in real life. If this woman were a patient of mine, I’d say, Let’s quit worrying about those guys and get back to work; what do ya say?, and if she were sitting next to me in a lobby I would excuse myself and walk outside to make a phone call.
3) This show in unwatchable. Try to attend to it for more than five minutes. Can’t be done.
This is a Christan program. I instantly like the reverend because he has a bald eagle statue and a shnauzerie mustache. I tune in mid-lesson, so I am a little lost. Something about dove dung and an ass’s head. There’s not much meat on an ass’s head, he says. Amen and amen.
Nutrisystem: Does it Work?
Spoiler alert: yes, it works! Marie Osmond and all the women on this infomercial seem to think so. All you have to do is prepare a different meal for yourself than the meal that you’re preparing for your family, a boxed meal, three times a day for the rest of your life. Totally practical.
QVC’s The Joy of Christmas
Wait, what? I haven’t even finished our back-to-school shopping! These old ladies calling in to QVC, though – they are on the ball. This set of eight Lenox Christmas tree ornaments, which are silver-plated and embellished with rhinestones (your choice of clear or multi-colored) is the answer to one caller’s “Christmas emergency.” [Attention Marjorie from Kansas City: Google “emergency,” sweetheart. I don’t think it means what you think it means.]
Okay, so I saw the name of this show as I flipped channels, and I though, Oh, absolutely! When I stopped on VH1 to tune in, however, it was during a commercial. The commercial in progress was for Vagisil. The word “itching” was thrown around quite a bit. Gross. This commercial is going ruin the show for me, I thought. The show is pretty much already in ruins, however. What can I tell you? The content was as promised. Naked people pretending to be on dates. Lots of blurred out body parts. All the contestants had terrific abs and horrible vocabularies. Also, anything and everything that could be worn without actually being clothing (i.e. hats, headbands, shoes, necklaces, watches, spats) was worn, which seemed fussy.
I am going to catch a few minutes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer before meeting my girlfriends for lunch, so let me hop off here. Thanks for reading, and in the words of the wise Jerry Springer, “Take care of yourself, and each other.”