If You Were a Ride at the County Fair

There is nothing to naming these throw-up rides at the county fair. Anyone could do it. Engineering them is another story, and I wont pretend that I could design an attraction that would thrill the masses without nightly, hourly, sending some poor soul the the ER (or worse), but the names I’ve got. There is a trick to it. A two-ingredient formula that came to me somewhere between the Feverball and the Crazy Worm:

medical symptom/condition + classic childhood toy = county fair ride

I’ve put together a key for fair ride-naming. I encourage you to use this key to discover your own fair ride name and then, in the comments section, tell me what it is. To play, simply identity the ailment which is listed next to the day on which you were born…

1 – necrosis
2 – congestion
3 – edema
4 – inflammation
5 – hysterical
6 – tachycardia
7 – encephalopathy
8 – fever
9 – blister
10 – sepsis
11 – lethargy
12 – somnolence
13 – rupture
14 – bruise
15 – discharge
16 – kyphosis
17 – fracture
18 – hemorrhage
19 – aphasia
20 – dizzy
21 – hypertension
22 – acidosis
23 – pustule
24 – nausea
25 – confusion
26- bloat
27 – sneeze
28 – malaise
29 – excoriation
30 – agitation
31 – dystonia

…and add to that the common toy which corresponds with your birth month.

January – train
February – bucket
March – boat
April – ball
May – wagon
June – horsie
July – swing
August – dragon
September – castle
October – wheel
November – plane
December – drum

Grab a funnel cake or an ear of Mexican street corn and play along. It is free with the cost of admission, and everyone over 36 inches in height is permitted to participate.



27 Comments on “If You Were a Ride at the County Fair

    • Um, is it too late for me to make this a post about naming sceamo bands, because I actually like that better… Thanks for the suggestion, Pustule Train!

  1. Not sure I like mine, though it does have the same letter of alliteration as my blog, Blister Ball. Is this also a sneaky way of figuring out people’s birthdays? Because I will be waiting for something on my Bitter Birthday (see how good I am with B alliteration?)

  2. Well mine is Somnolence Bucket, which is a terrible name. Snooze Bucket … that’s something I could go for. Ambling on a track that winds above the fairground, occasionally dipping low enough for one to grab a toffee apple or cotton candy … Yeah, my kind of ride, definitely.

  3. I got “fracture drum”. I picture entering an enclosed cylinder that raises and lowers at alarming speed bouncing you off the top and bottom thus creating a drum sound and breaking important bones in the process.

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