Charles Manson’s Tips for Landing a Younger Woman
Save the date, folks! Charles Manson is getting married!
Earlier this month, eighty-year-old convicted mass-murder, Charles Manson, was granted a marriage license. He and 26 year old fiancee Afton Burton (who prefers to be called “Star”) have ninety days in order to arrange the ceremony and exchange vows before the license expires.
If you are an elderly gentleman with aspirations for marrying a much younger woman, you may be encouraged to learn that you can turn this dream into a reality, and all without leaving the comforts of your own cell! Here’s how:
Be a household name.
Manson’s fiancee, as previously noted, goes by the name “Star.” It stands to reason that she wants her man to be a “star” as well. What young woman doesn’t? Notoriety is a huge turn on. If you’re a senior citizen in pursuit of a millennial, be famous. Or, you know, infamous. Whatever. Be well-known.
Lower the bar.
If beautiful, charming, intelligent women were tough to snag when you were a man in your twenties, they will be all-but-impossible to attract at eighty. Try not to get so hung up on looks. Or intelligence. Or character. A good twenty-something wife need only possess the following:
1. internet access
2. an insatiable appetite for attention (see: “Be a household name.”)
3. major daddy issues
Let her make the first move.
Burton, not Manson, initiated the couple’s first correspondence. This was years ago when a teenage Burton began writing to the prisoner from her mid-western home. This non-traditional “how we met” story is the perfect first chapter for their May/December love story, because today’s woman is empowered enough to go after what she wants (and also because it is all kinds of illegal for geriatric convicts to go after teenage girls).
Play hard to get.
You’re not desperate, so don’t behave as though you are. Sure, you’re serving a life sentence, and yes, you have been behind bars longer than your love interest has been alive, and okay, maybe you’re older than her grandparents, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have options.
Manson made his indifference about Burton (who, by the way, moved to California to be closer to him and maintains several websites in his honor) clear when he answered Rolling Stone magazine’s questions about the couple’s pending nuptials by stating: “That’s a bunch of garbage. You know that, man. That’s trash. We’re just playing that for public consumption.”
Behave in a youthful manner.
Don’t let your age dictate your virility. Age is a state of mind, after all. Charles Manson is a prime example of this. Just this month, he summonsed the energy to violate not one, but three rules: possession of a weapon, threatening staff, and refusal to provide a urine sample. Seriously, how many guys, at eighty years old, and after decades behind bars, are still giving it their all?
Support a cause that is greater than yourself.
Burton fell in love with Manson because of his passion for the environment. If you, as a senior citizen, are going to earn a younger woman’s affections, you have to show her that you are passionate about worthwhile causes. And if you, like Manson, aren’t particularly taken with human life as a worthwhile cause, maybe clean air and redwood trees can be your thing.
Compliment her appearance.
Who among us doesn’t like a little positive reinforcement for having taken the time to get dolled up? The compliment need not be flowery. A simple, “You look pretty when you shave off all of your hair and carve an X into your forehead in deference to my stint in solitary confinement” will suffice.
Happy dating, grandpa! Choose your young bride carefully. Marriage is a life sentence.