Making a New Year’s Resolution – Briar Rabbit-Style

resolutions
What if you resolved to gain four pounds in 2015? I know this is an asinine proposition, but stay with me a minute. Suppose your New Year’s resolution was to increase your weight by a minimum of four pounds?

We are a paranoid species. Suspicious. When things don’t go our way (as things are want to do), we have a tendency to look beyond ourselves, to look past our own choices and their naturally-resulting consequences, and to look toward something else, something cosmic and external (and menacing), as the force which derails the train of our good intentions: Murphy’s Law. A universe which conspires against us. Good ol’ fashioned bad luck brought on by any number of it’s many sources (e.g. walking under a ladder, being crossed by a black cat, failing to knock on wood when speaking optimistically).

This year, why not spin the universe’s contrary nature to your advantage? Theater people do it all the time. Break a leg, they say to one another. And how often do thespians actually walk out on stage and fracture a femur?

Resolve to gain four pounds this year. At least. Tell everyone you intent to continue smoking throughout 2015. Announce by way of Facebook status that you’ll avoid volunteer work in the new year. That you’ll get even deeper into debt.

left: the contrary universe, right: you

left: the contrary universe, right: you

Follow my advise, and by this time next year, one of two things will have happened: Either you will have gained the four+ pounds, thereby keeping your resolution, or you will have failed to accomplish the feat, thereby breaking your resolution (in the process maintaining or losing weight).

This is reverse psychology on a cosmic level, and it is a win-win proposition for you. I cannot guarantee that this will make you happy in the new year, but it will make you right. And really, isn’t that the same thing?

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26 Comments on “Making a New Year’s Resolution – Briar Rabbit-Style

  1. “I cannot guarantee that this will make you happy in the new year, but it will make you right. And really, isn’t that the same thing?”

    I always thought so!

  2. Thank you Ginger you always bring a smile to my face. Let’s face it we all need more smiley faces.

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

    • I mean, you put it in writing right here on the internet, so that is a pretty bold double-dog dare to Murphy’s Law or whatever. Catch up with me this time next year and tell me what happened.

    • Hell yeah, aim high! I hope you exceed the capacity of your bathroom scale and have to go to the feed store to weigh by this time next year.

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