How to Make a Candy Bar for just $35.00

Candy bars. You love ‘em, right? Who doesn’t? But why go to all the trouble of finding a store that sells them (i.e. every store in existence, plus every business everywhere, once you factor in vending machines), and why put up with the exorbitant cost (i.e. 75 cents) when you could just make your own?

candy bar maker

With the Chocolate Bar Maker, you can, and it wont cost you but thirty-five dollars. Here is how.

Start by buying the Chocolate Bar Maker kit. It retails for about $18.99, but if you’re a savvy shopper like my daughter, you can find it for about fifteen bucks at an after Christmas clearance sale.

Next, buy a six pack of Hershey bars. This item runs for around $3.50, and if you… wait, what? Oh, you thought there was going to be actual chocolate in the chocolate bar maker? Oh, you naive little thing. I swear, that is just precious. No, the chocolate is not included.

Where was I? Okay, so to the $15.00 you’ll pay for the kit (which consists of a couple of silicone molds and a squirt bottle), and $3.50 you will spend on the “plain” chocolate bars called for in step one of the instructions, add $2.00 for sugar wafers, jelly beans, peanuts, or whatever other snack you choose for the purpose of enhancing and improving upon the otherwise “plain” taste of the chocolate. And now you’re up to what, $20.50?

Okay, now factor in an additional eight dollars to the sub-total, because this squirt bottle, this “Easy Squeezer,” is pretty challenging to control. You’re going to have to get both your blouse and slacks dry cleaned.

While the new, still-in-the-mold candy bar (which your child created by breaking and melting a perfectly good candy bar) sets up in the fridge, tidy up. The sugar wafer isn’t going to fit in the mold. You will have to saw, trim and shape it with a serrated knife, and the breeze generated by your sighs of frustration will carry the sugar wafer sawdust through the air like anthrax. There will also be jelly beans to pick out of the vent return, and lots of tiny, threaded and oddly shaped parts to the “easy squeeze” bottle that will have to be hand-washed. The cost of this will vary greatly based on: a) the speed with which you clean, and b) the hourly rate which you earn at work. I’m going to conservatively estimate that the time you spend cleaning will be worth $6.50.

So there you have it. Just find a retailer that sells the Chocolate Bar Maker, and two hours and $35.00 later, you’ll be enjoying this:

homemade chocolate bar

Try spending $35.00 on ready-made chocolate at a store and see what it gets you:


Point made.


26 Comments on “How to Make a Candy Bar for just $35.00

  1. Another useless product! Thanks for the laugh!
    The funniest product I’ve ever seen was a pair of fake nipples you stick inside your bra to add to your perkiness and; ‘make you feel good about yourself’!!

    • Oh Kamille, that can’t really be a thing, can it? My thoughts are: a) aren’t we trying to keep that level of detail about ourselves private? and 2) if you DID want visible “perkiness” for some crazy reason, couldn’t you just put, like, a lentil or something in each of the cups?

      • A lentil!! Oh yes, the healthy alternative. So funny! What if the lentil moves? Does that then give twice the nipple effect and therefore twice the perkiness?

  2. $35 is cheap compared to the tuition for pastry school that we paid so my husband could make candy bars…and chocolate mousse…and crème brulée…and, oh never mind, it was worth it.

  3. I love the way the box shows those “deluxe” candy bars, leading you to think everything is in there, unless you then look at that little circled area that says what’s actually in the box. After reading your post, I looked the product up, and sure enough the description says it contains all you need to make delicious chocolate bars – just add your own chocolate and filling (guess their definition of “everything” is different than mine!). Heck, I’m pretty sure I could do that without the kit, just using mini-cake pans or something. Well, at least you had some fun with it.

  4. We once had a snow cone making machine. One of the happiest days of my life was when the cheap plastic thing broke and became truly unusable. I think that happened the third time we tried to make snow cones.

    • The Snoopy one one, I bet. Yeah, a neighbor of mine had that, and we were never allowed to use it because her mother said it made a mess.

  5. Yeah, but think of the hours and hours of fun you’ll have watching that little light bulb make a dry cup cake!……..oh wait, that was the Easy Bake Oven

  6. Haha, I love this article. You cracked me up pretty good with the line “and the breeze generated by your sighs of frustration will carry the sugar wafer sawdust through the air like anthrax.” This story reminds me of being a kid, when my sister and I set out to make our own “homemade peanut butter” by mashing a bunch of peanuts to oblivion, and then, once frustration set in, adding a bunch of Jiffy peanut butter as a sort of binding agent. Mission successful!

    • Haha! “Recipe for homemade peanut butter: Ingredients: 1 jar of store-bought peanutbutter…” Your poor mother. I bet she was finding bits of peanuts in the kitchen for weeks.

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