humor Category

Thirty-Two Dollar Eggs

The eggs at the Four Seasons cost thirty-two dollars. We stayed there last week, and I saw the menu with my own eyes. The cost is initially jarring, I’ll admit, but in defense of the Four Seasons: There are two eggs served with this breakfast. Two! We’re really only talking, then, about sixteen bucks per […]

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I am Not Responsible for the Smell in this Restroom

At some point in my early twenties, older friends and relatives began sharing with me the myriad advantages I should expect with the onset of middle age. A coworker named Debbie once told me that, at the age of forty, I would stop caring what other people thought of me. On another occasion, Aunt Sharon […]

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When Your Head Has Been Completely Shaved…

A woman’s guide to coping with temporary baldness (dedicated with love to my friend J, who has complained less about her brain surgery than I did the last time my IUD was changed out)

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Jellyfishing

“Hey, you want to see some jellyfish?” It is like offering to point out to us a bad tattoo or a twelve-story condominium, such was the proliferation of jellyfish at Orange Beach on this particular day. “We’re good, buddy,” we say. “You sure? We got a bunch,” he says. He is the color of a […]

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Counting Cookies

“Who ate all the cookies!” My eleven year old slams the cabinet door. It springs back open in response to the force. “There are still some cookies left,” I say. “There is one cookie left. A broken one.” “Oh.” “There were eight cookies left after dinner last night,” she says. She reviews the facts like […]

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Punishment

Never in the history of parenthood has a single declarative sentence been so fraught with loopholes. The sentence is this: No television or playing outside with friends this afternoon. Today, in a solar eclipse of juvenile delinquency, both of our children managed to earn the same punishment. The girl failed to be ready for school […]

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Sinkhole

  I’d like to be the kind of person who loves her neighbor in spite of his shortcomings. The sort of person who avoids the temptation to celebrate when said neighbor gets his comeuppance. I’m not. I’m Dean’s neighbor. And when that sinkhole opened up in Dean’s yard this week, I laughed in a tone […]

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Can’t Take a Joke

The hunt is over. William and his friends run about the park and hurl plastic eggs at one another. The pastel hand grenades burst on contact, and “individually wrapped, peanut-free, non-melting” candy falls to the ground. Across the park is a rabbit. Solid white and 6 foot 6, he is dressed in nothing more than […]

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Orthopedic Birthday Shoes

“What do you want for your birthday?” Mom asks. On the surface, this is a straightforward question requiring an equally-straightforward answer. Beneath the veneer of our casual conversation, however, the proceedings of a nuanced negotiation have just been set into motion. Women and their mothers; they don’t chat. They play Chess. Mom’s goal is to […]

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How to Make a Candy Bar for just $35.00

Candy bars. You love ‘em, right? Who doesn’t? But why go to all the trouble of finding a store that sells them (i.e. every store in existence, plus every business everywhere, once you factor in vending machines), and why put up with the exorbitant cost (i.e. 75 cents) when you could just make your own? […]

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