inspired by a news article Category

Death Row Takes a Snow Day

“Look outside.” I am fast asleep when I hear him. My son. William. His voice is sweet and small. “Mom, look.” The shower is running. Todd is already up. I smell soap. Faintly. Over and around me, the bed linens have achieved that exquisite warmth and softness that peaks between the hours of five and […]

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Charles Manson’s Tips for Landing a Younger Woman

Save the date, folks! Charles Manson is getting married! Earlier this month, eighty-year-old convicted mass-murder, Charles Manson, was granted a marriage license. He and 26 year old fiancee Afton Burton (who prefers to be called “Star”) have ninety days in order to arrange the ceremony and exchange vows before the license expires. If you are […]

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The Virtues of Being Uncomfortable

Within my body are two different kinds of fat. Don’t judge me or become disgusted; there are two different kinds of fat in your body, too. “White fat” stores energy in large droplets, while “brown fat” cells are smaller and produce heat to keep us warm. All mammals have white and brown fat, and those […]

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Enough with Princesses

I recently read a story in the Washington Post about a father in Virginia named Jeremiah Heaton who, upon hearing his daughter’s desire to become a “real” princess, planted a flag on an unclaimed plot of desert in Africa so as to make her dream a reality. He investigated the matter online, found an 800 […]

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Spring Breakdown

Spring break is here, and this video about college vacationers in Panama City, as featured on Sean Hannity’s program, keeps popping up in my Facebook news feed. (Click the phrase “this video” in the last sentence to view it for yourself.) Outraged parents are condemning the behavior exhibited by the young adults on this video […]

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Made in China: Poultry Edition

Watch this skit for me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAlWrT5P2VI (media credit: IFC, Portlandia) I can’t tell you how many times I have laughed over this since it aired. How many times Michele has, over a plate of chicken tacos, joked that “His name was Colin.”. The couple in this video. God love them. Do you know these two […]

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The Safe, Sexless Lives of Pandas

(photo credit: tumblr.com ChinaPictures.org) There is nothing sexy about a panda bear. It is plump and lethargic. It has a thick band of black hair across it’s humped back and sad, dark bags under it’s beady eyes. If a panda bear had asked me to the prom, I would have turned it down. Honestly, but […]

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Dorm Rooms: A Compare/Contrast Essay

photo credit: http://www.pbteen.com If you just finished high school and are going away to a big university next month, you had better listen up: College. Is. Tough. You’re going to need motivation to keep your head in the books, and the most powerful motivation will come from your own greed and covetous. You’re so wet […]

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Paula Deen, Trent Lott, and the American Minstrel

photo credit: coverlaydown.com “It was only after years of playing the banjo and searching for the ‘pure’ roots of old time music that I finally figured out that, like everything else American, it’s utter lack of purity was the source of it’s vitality and mysterious beauty.” – Rhiannon Giddens of Carolina Chocolate Drops The Atlanta […]

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A Brief History of Toilet Paper

Imagine with me the sound of a voice as it cries out for help. The voice is coming from the inside of a bathroom. It belongs to some poor soul who finds himself in the very unfortunate position of being seated upon a commode with need for but no access to toilet paper. Now imagine […]

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